Surprise, baby! Happy (insert name of random holiday)! I thought you might enjoy these flowers!
What’s that you say? You’re ALLERGIC to flowers? The pollen in the plants causes you to break out in hives?
Baby, baby, baby! How long have we been together? I know you so well by now, and am well aware of the sneezing fits you get whenever you’re around REAL flowers!
But still, that’s no reason for you to not have something around that expresses just how BEAUTIFUL I think you are – that’s why I got you these FAKE flowers!
Yes, the flowers may be fake – these ones are made of silk, while the other ones I thought of buying you were made of plastic – but I can guarantee you that the feelings I have for you that are expressed by these flowers will never be fake.
AAAAAAND, to make sure these flowers give you the same effect as real flowers, I went ahead and sprayed them with flower-scented air freshener! Go ahead and take a wiff, my darling!
What’s that? You want me to stop talking so you and I can… wow… oh wow, that’s explicit. Let’s get to it – thanks again, fake flowers!
Ah, fake flowers… now THAT’S something to be thankful for!
-Aaron P. Taylor